When someone has been sexually assaulted or is experiencing/questioning an abusive relationship, they most often disclose their experience to a trusted friend. A concerned, kind, non-judgmental response from someone who cares has been shown to be the most important first step toward healing. Consider the following guidelines so you know what to say:
- Be sure your friend knows you believe them.
- Reassure your friend that whatever happened is not their fault.
- Avoid blaming questions like:
- “Why did you let them into your room?”
- “Why did you drink so much?”
- “Why do you stay in that relationship?”
- Use open-ended questions such as;
- “What do you need?”
- “I want to help; what can I do?”
- Avoid telling your friend what to do; gently suggest resources:
- “Would making an appointment at Cornell Health be helpful?”
- “Have you considered who else you might be comfortable talking to about the way you’ve been feeling?”
- “Have you considered reporting what happened?”
- Allow your friend to make their own decisions about support options, counseling options, reporting, and whether they should seek medical care. Support their decisions.
- If you know the perpetrator, avoid comments like, “they would never do that,” “they’re not that kind of person,” or “I find that hard to believe.”
- Acknowledge that something distressing happened and encourage your friend to take the time they need for healing and recovery. And always counter any self-blame you hear with,“What happened was not your fault,” or “you were not to blame in any way for what they did to you.”
- Be sure your friend knows about the available resources, including resources for parents.
- Get support for yourself too. If you don’t know where to start – or you’re having trouble dealing with the situation yourself – you can connect with a Cornell Health counselor for consultation and personal support. Supporting a friend can be stressful, and you do not need to go through it alone.
